posted 02-10-2004 08:39 PM         

Please read the following carefully:

Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.

Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.

Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.

A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.

Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.

A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.

Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.

Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.

Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.

Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists

A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.

Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.

A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.

Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.

An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.

Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.

A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)

Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.

Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken beforeyou were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.

Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you."