Thursday was the worst night of my life

Hi everyone,

This post is going to be extremely difficult to write, and it took me 3 days before I was even able to do it. I feel that I need to get it off my chest, and I thank you for giving me the opportunity.

I never thought that I would be writing this post, not before last Thursday night, anyway. That was a night that changed my life forever, because what I experienced was so horrific, and my reaction to that experience has become even more heartbreaking to me. Please allow me to explain.

It was a day that started out like any other. Except it was hot, in the upper 90s. I did what I could to help keep myself and my indoor kitty as cool as possible, with fans strategically placed for both of us to enjoy. To give you a little background about me, I am the biggest cat lover that I know, and do the best I can to educate myself about the best ways to care for my kitty. I give her the best food that money can buy, I play with her several times a day, and the house is filled with kitty furniture and toys. I donate money to the local cat rescue group whenever I can afford it on my modest income.

But on Thursday, as night fell and the temperature started to drop a bit, I had a craving for some cold ice cream and decided to run out to the store, about 10 minutes away, to get some. I bought the ice cream and a few other items, got in the car, and headed back home. It was about 9:00 pm, and completely dark outside.

I was on a busy street, about 5 minutes from home, when I made a turn onto a residential street that cut through a neighborhood that was just down the street from my own. The street was well-illuminated at the corner by a combination of a street light and the lights from a church on the corner. But just beyond that was a stretch of street that, for one reason or another, had no street lights at all for the first several hundred feet or so, until a row of street lights began a little further down.

About 30 seconds after making my turn, just as I entered this patch of darkness, I caught a glimpse of a small dark figure a split-second before it ran in front of my driver’s side wheel. I didn’t even have a chance to step on the brakes or swerve until after I hit it. It completely blended in with the darkness that surrounded it, and my peripheral vision didn’t notice it until it was too late, literally 6 inches from my wheel. It was a direct hit, and whatever the creature was, I knew that I had run directly over it with full force, and I could hear and feel it hitting all the way under my car. I looked in my rear view mirror and briefly saw a small figure with a long, straight tail running erratically off in the opposite direction until it blended back into the darkness. It appeared to run off into the yard of one of the houses that lined the street. It was at this point that I started to realize that I may have hit a cat, and tears welled up in my eyes.

My heart pounded in my chest, and I started saying “oh no, oh no!!” I stopped the car, turned around in a driveway, and headed back down the street slowly, scanning both sides of the road just on the off-chance that I could find the creature that I had hit, and hoping beyond hope that it wasn’t a cat, and hoped even more that it wasn’t still alive and suffering after the direct hit of the collision that it had taken.

As I got around 100 feet from the intersection I had originally come from, I saw something small lying near the middle of the road. I drove alongside it, rolled down the window, and saw that it was an adult brown and black patched calico cat, completely unconscious. I called out to him and sobbed “kitty... kitty...” and there was no reaction. I looked at his chest, and there was no evidence of breathing. His eyes were partially open, as was his mouth, and it was obvious to me that he was dead. I looked for a collar with an ID tag, but there was no collar. What do I do? What do I do? He’s dead.

There were cars coming behind me, and I was stopped in the middle of the road, so I started driving and took a quick left onto a side street, in tears, and went around the block thinking about I should do. I decided that there was no hope for the little guy, and in tears, I drove home, which was 5 minutes away. Before I even got in the door, I realized that I shouldn’t have left him there like that. What if he wasn’t really dead?? I quickly loaded my cat carrier into the car, and sped off to where I had just left him. I was going to check him out thoroughly and if there were any signs of life, take him to the emergency vet.

As I turned back on the street and approached the poor little guy’s body, I saw that he had been flipped over and was now on his back... it was apparent that another car had come along and hit him again. There was some sort of liquid that appeared to have come out of his mouth. If there was any doubt before about whether he was really dead, there was none now. I felt like I was in a nightmare that I needed desperately to wake up from. The thought of moving and feeling his poor little broken body filled me with horror and dread, and I once again left him there and fled home, where I cried for hours.

Almost immediately it started to sink in that I was a fool to leave him on the road the first time I saw his body there, and allowed him to be hit again, even if he was already dead. I should have moved him out of the road, listened for a heartbeat, checked his breathing up close, and then take him to an emergency vet in the next town over. I know that it’s dangerous to move an injured creature, though, but what was the choice? Maybe he had a microchip ID, and his people could be notified. I should have treated him the way I would want my own cat to be treated if someone hit her with a car. I wouldn’t want someone to just leave her in the street! I started feeling like a real monster, like I really let down that little guy. What if he wasn’t really dead? Although I can’t imagine how anything that small could survive such a big collision, but I’m not an expert. Maybe he was lying there unconscious, and there was a chance that he could have been saved?

I will be asking myself that question for the rest of my life. I feel like I lost a piece of myself on the road that night. I can’t even look at my own cat sleeping anymore, because I can’t help but be reminded of the little victim that I left for dead lying in the road. I keep replaying the events of that night over and over in my mind, and it always ends in tears and self-loathing. What was I thinking to just leave? How could I let the little guy down by being so horrified that I wasn’t able to think clearly enough to do the right thing? I feel like a terrible person. When I drove by the scene of the accident the next morning, he was gone. I thought “someone that isn’t a terrible person, like me, must have taken him off the road.”

I don’t think I will ever get over this. I was having self-esteem issues before this, and now I just feel lower than low. The accident itself was out of my control, but what I did afterwards wasn’t. How I wish I could go back in time and react differently. Why was I so afraid of just picking up his broken little body and carrying him off the road, or take him to the emergency vet? Why did I feel like I needed to just get away from the situation? It was like I was paralyzed with horror. All I know is, I never thought that something like this would happen, and I wasn’t prepared for it. If it happens again, and I sure hope that it doesn’t, I will do the right thing. But it doesn’t help that poor little victim who was hit on the road after having endured a blistering hot day and was left there for dead. I can’t help but imagine what his last day was like, and hope that he got some good treats and had someone that loved him scratch and purr with him a bit. Was he a beloved member of a family, or was he a stray? I’ll never know.

I’m a relatively new cat lover, with my very first cat, and I had wanted to volunteer to help other cats in my area, either through helping the local shelters or getting involved with local rescue groups, but now I’m feeling so guilty that I keep thinking that no matter how many cats that I help in the future, I will always be haunted by the little guy that I let down by leaving him on the road. Any time that I see a cat’s face, I think about HIS face. What was once one of the brightest spots of my life... cats, and wanting to help them... now has a dark cloud hanging over it. I did the wrong thing, and my heart feels like it will be forever broken because of it. Instead of viewing myself as a friend of cats, as I did before, I now hang my head in shame at the one cat that I let down and abandoned after I so stupidly decided that he was dead. He may have been, and probably was, but I wasn’t qualified to make that decision so quickly. I needed to get him help immediately, as I would have if I had hit a child. I will regret this for the rest of my life. I am ashamed to tell my family or friends about this, so I have to keep it to myself.

Thanks for listening, and allowing me to get this off my chest. I know that I deserve any negative comments that I get.

 

I am so sorry for what your going through, I very much doubt that you will get any negative comments.

Firstly I have to say this, from what youve described, the sound under the car, and the way youve described the cat I think that your initial thoughts were correct and that she/he had already passed away. Im a vet tech and the last 5 years have worked at an emergency hospital....Ive seen probably a thousand or more pets after theyve been hit by cars....the injuries caused by this are mostly not fixable, sometimes we dont even see anything that looks out of place on the pet, the injuries are internal.

What you did by leaving the cat....you were in shock, extremely upset and not thinking straight, you were traumatized, we all...every one of us has different reactions to what we would normally do when we are traumatized....and then we feel the way your feeling now saying 'what if'...and dont take this as a way for me to maybe make an excuse for you to make you feel better, thats not why Im telling you this, its not an excuse at all, its a fact, a reality that in traumatic circumstances we panic, when we panic we do things we wouldnt usually do, like I said we are unable to think straight.

As soon as the initial panic was over and you had a few minutes to gather your thoughts you did go back and check on the cat...many, many people would not have done that...you did, it is sad that the cat had possibly been hit again...but even, again, on the slight chance that it wasnt already dead the shock that it absolutely would have been in from a few minutes earlier would have prevented it from feeling anything. That might not be much consolation to you but dont be hard on yourself thinking about the pain the cat felt because you didnt move her/him the first time....fact is it probably felt nothing at all after the intial impact. Animals, even humans, have been known to run or walk for a few seconds just after a 'fatal' accident, often a major head injury is involved....

December 31st 2001, I was working New Years Eve at the emergency hospital, my boss asked me to go and pick up some food for us all, it was about 9pm, the traffic was bad and I couldnt turn left onto the busy road so I went another route....further up the road there was a jack rabbit, caught in my headlights, I regularly hand raised orphaned wild bunnies, birds, I didnt have time to swerve, I slammed on the brakes but I heard the same noise that you heard under the car, I knew he was dead...even though I dealt with emergencys at the hospital every day my initial reaction was 'hes dead, just keep going'...a bit further down the road I was wondering what I was doing still driving away....he might not be dead!!!, I went back and he was. I held out okay for the rest of the night at the hospital, when I got home in the morning I started to cry....I dont think I stopped until 2 days later when I had to go to work again, about a week later I was shopping, I saw a stuffed toy, a bunny....I bought it and named it Eve, I just did it without thinking, dont know why....but I found myself apologizing to this stuffed toy (at my age!!!)....as though it represented the bunny Id hit....it helped in a way, it somehow gave me a way to let the bunny know how sorry I was. Im not saying you should do what I did but we all need to find a way to get through things.

It will take you some time to get over this, its all part of the grieving process, nothing I or anyone else says will make this go away right now but you need to forgive yourself, it was an accident that was unavoidable, it was NOT your fault, it is NOT your fault that you reacted the way you did initially, your only human, we cant always control our immediate actions in these situations.
Dont let this put you off all the things you planned to do to help other cats, think of how many cats need someone to help them, how many cats are out there that have no one to care for them or about them, its obvious from how you feel about the accident that you have a heart full of love to give to so many cats.

Its okay to cry for this kitty, you need to cry, it was a terrible accident and then when you stop crying you have to forgive yourself.

 

It is NOT your fault, and it was unavoidable. Take your time to grieve. You did the right thing under the circumstances.

I just want to tell you a true story. A few years ago, an 18 year old female cat lover saw a small animal lying in the middle of the street late at night. It was an apparant hit and run on a non-busy street and it was a cat that had already died. When she got out of her car and walked to pick up the cat, a fast moving vehicle hit the girl and killed her on impact. This occured not too far from where I live. You could've been hit by another car as you checked out the kitty. I'm thankful that you are alive and uninjured.

Personally, my cat Vene was killed by a hit-and-run in July of 2003 on a busy residential street. I never blamed the driver for hitting her. An elderly woman said she saw the cat lying on the side of the road and rang door bells in the neighborhood hoping to find the owner of the kitty. This was how I found my little Vene through her. She was an outdoors/indoors cat and she enjoyed hunting and playing outside daily. To make her happy, we let her outdoors knowing that someday, she has a high risk of being hit by a car. As my hubby tells me repeatedly, she died happy. Apparently all her siblings are either dead from wildlife getting them or MIA. Milo is her only surviving sibling and we have him now. Like her, he enjoys the outdoors but has more sense. He hangs around the house and the park near us, away from busy streets. But should he be hit by a car it is the owner's fault and in no way the fault of the one who hits him. BTW, it was my mom that opened the door real wide and she snuck out and got hit by a car.

In 1998 while we moved from CT to WNY, hubby drove a truck and I trailed behind him driving our minivan. A stunt bird crashed into the truck and died on impact. My hubby must have cried for days even though it was not his fault. To this day, he still thinks of that little bird.

Remember, what happened is NOT your fault and you should NOT blame yourself. If that cat had an owner, it was the owner's fault for letting him out and if it was a stray, it is no longer suffering from the elements and the need to forage for food. He is at the Rainbow Bridge right now, safe, sound, whole,and probably chumming with Vene and all the other kitties that were casualties of hit-and-run.

 

when I was much younger a cat ran out from under a parked car and dashed right under my car - and yes I killed it. In my horror I also just kept on going but then had 2nd thoughts and went back - a police officer was carrying the cat BUT ITS TAIL out of the road and laughing. I was even more horrified. But at least the cat was being taken care of and I didn't have to do it.
Then there was the rabbit - oh that nearly killed me.
It swerved and I tried to avoid it - it was under my car and it jumped. I just knew it wasn't dead. Wasn't too far from home so I got my hubby. He went back with his masonry hammer.
I saw him lean over the rabbit, stand up and then look to the heavens for strength. The rabbit wasn't dead and if left laying there would have suffered horribly cause it's back was torn wide open from the undercarriage of my car. He did give the poor thing quick relief though (and no he didn't smash its head with the hammer).
I couldn't do it - I couldn't even look.
It's hard to judge what we will do in situations like this. And I do believe that as we grow older we get stronger in dealing with such things.
I once saw a dead raccoon in the road with her 2 babies clinging to her lifeless body....It was late at night and I knew if I didn't do anything the babies were also going to be laying beside their mother. I moved the mother's body into a field and the babies just followed. I hated doing it and yes it grossed me out.
You aren't to blame - not everyone can deal with such things....I never used to be able to.
Something I do now though is keep my car prepared - an old sheet in the trunk (used that to move the raccoon), a cat carrier and a couple of pairs of thick gloves.
No one can blame you for how you dealt with this.....shock was probably your motivating factor.

 

I'm very sorry that you're feeling so badly about what happened. I completely agree with the other posters. The accident was unavoidable and you did what you could given your emotional state at the time.
My reaction was the same as yours when I hit a squirrel a few years ago.
{{HUGS}}}

 

I agree with everything that's been said so far. It wasn't your fault. You were shocked.

A few years ago I hit a cat. But, I didn't kill it (at least, right away.) I was on my way to work. I didn't even see a cat. I felt the car go over something. I looked in my mirror and saw a cat dragging itself away by its front paws. I must've hit the cat in the rear.

I was shocked and kept driving, wondering what I should do. I wanted to get the cat help, but it limped away. It was gone before I got my senses to myself. I wanted to find the owners and tell them. But, at the time, I lived in a very urban area and there was hundreds of residents in just a few city blocks. I didn't even know where to start. That, and I didn't have the cat to get it help.

So, I drove to work, crying.

I will never forgive myself for what I did. But, I have let time help ease my guilt.

I guess we've all had something like this happen. It's never an ideal situation. And... no matter how much we want to look like the perfect person and a hero to save the poor animal, we happen to react on some primal level and need to gain our senses to react the way we thought we should.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. The kitty is out of pain now. Maybe you can put a positive light on something so sad and let this occurrence drive you to wanting to help other cats. There are so many needy cats out there and you could be an aspect of their lives that adds light to their so-far dim existance.

Time will heal you. I'm sure the kitty is in a better place and doesn't blame you.

You are NOT a horrible person. Like it was mentioned before, you actually went back. That's more than what a lot of other people out there would do.

 

Thank you everyone for your sympathetic replies, you are all very kind. I think that writing everything down and sharing my story with others has been very helpful to me. I had been carrying this around with me like a dark secret for the past few days, and to tell others about it and hear your perspectives and your own sad stories has been very therapeutic to me, and I feel much less alone. You are all wonderful people. I’ve been crying a little less each day, so I think that’s a good sign.

I was driving today, 6 blocks from where the accident happened and around the corner, and I saw a hand-made cardboard sign that someone had attached to a telephone pole on the side of the road. It said “brown/black kitten (10-12 weeks) hit by car, taken to vet by Angel, call (phone number).” At first I flipped out, thinking “wait a minute... could that be the cat???” But the cat I hit definitely wasn’t a kitten, it was a large, adult cat. Unless 10-12 week old kitten can look full grown?! But I doubt it, and even with my limited knowledge of cats, I can tell a 2-3 month old kitten apart from an older cat. Still, it was bizarre to see such a sign just 6 blocks away from where it happened. I wrote down the phone number to give Angel a call anyway, if for nothing else but to thank her for being a caring person and to ask how the kitten is doing. It’s beyond wishful thinking to even dream that it would be the same cat.

Thank you again, everyone. I really feel that this was the first step in the healing process, and I can’t thank you enough for reading, replying, and caring.

 

Your very welcome.

 

Hi, I'm a cat lover too. I'm really sorry to hear what happened, but time is a great healer and after a while it won't feel so bad. It shows that you are a kind-hearted person if you feel such compassion for a poor little kitty you didn't even know, and remember that we all have accidents.

Personally, I believe that when animals die they go to Heaven - a real place that's not just some fair story; a hope I especially cling onto since we recently lost four kittens to an illness.

Don't worry and it's comforting to know that you care so much...something the kitten and its owners would much appreciate.