Some Funnies For All!

MIND GAMES FOR DOGS TO PLAY WITH HUMANS

After your humans give you a bath, don't let them towel you dry! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When your humans come home, put your ears back, with tail between your legs and chin down, and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. Note: This works best when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Help your humans learn patience. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.


CROSSBRED DOGS:

NOTE: If you cross a Maltese with any other breed, it's a Maltese Cross.
· Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
· Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
· Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
· Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
· Pekingese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
· Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
· Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
· Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers
· Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
· Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
· Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
· Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
· Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
· Collie x Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
· Spitz x Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
· Bloodhound x Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
· Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Maybe we shouldn't go there!


DOG DICTIONARY-

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require . . . . especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.


Dog Haikus

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy- come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Meter reader - come to kill all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all -
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat - come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence - why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more - I call
Them a vocation
My owners' mood is
Romantic- I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

 

I especially liked the light bulb one!

 

Very funny stuff! :0019:

 

On the light bulb one, the Lab, Border Collie and Poodle had me howling! (No pun intended!) :wink:

 

:m31:

 

:0017: :0017: :0017: :m12: :m12:

 

:0023: Thanks for sharing! Those were great.

 

Dog Haikus----- You're killing me!! :lol: Hillarious!!