Story time

Okay, it's time to let you know what a horrible person I really am. This is the story of my dog that died last summer. It's long.

When I was 6-months pregnant with my first child, I got this crazy idea that if I wanted a dog I had better get one right away or we would be too busy later on. This makes no sense of course, but I was insane.

So, I answered an ad in the paper for a rat terrier-scottie mix pup. My only criteria was "small" because we lived in an apartment. I was the epitome of stupid new dog owners.

So, I went to pick up this pup, but when I got there I found out that one other pup had been returned so there were two of them. I had gone to pick up a little black dog, but there was now a brown one as well. I had already picked out the name "Brandy" but it fit the brown one better than the black - but I felt guilty leaving the one I had intended to get. So what did I do? I got BOTH of course!

So now I had two tiny, adorable little terrier mix puppies. We named them Hocus and Pocus (Hokey and Pokey for short). Hocus, the black one, was the best little dog ever. Pokey, the brown one, was a stubborn pain in the you-know-where - but of course I loved them both!

We lived in an apartment so they were inside with us. I took them to obedience school for one session. Then I had the baby. Shortly we moved to a new apartment. Housetraining was going badly, so they ended up living in the concrete basement most of the time and peeing on the floor. When I was able, I would put them outside on a tie out and sit with them.

My son was VERY fussy. It was all I could do to survive. He never slept. He woke up 8-10 times every night until he was 14 months old. He nursed every 45 minutes. He was HUGE and yet had to be carried everywhere. It was a nightmare.

So eventually we moved to a house and my husband said, "Dogs belong outside." By this time the second child was on the way and we had a beautiful new house and baby toys everywhere - so I put them outside. We built a kennel in the garage and the dogs could come and go as they pleased. There were two of them, so I figured they had each other for company.

They rarely went on walks. The yard was plenty big for exercise for such small dogs. We rarely took them places - I just never thought about it.

As the kids got older, they took them for walks sometimes. But the dogs pulled really hard despite being small, so it was hard.

A few years ago, Pokey got out of the yard. We have no idea how. I was out of town and my husband didn't look for her. She did have a collar on with our name and contact info. I called every shelter long distance but they didn't have her. When I got home, I looked and looked and called and called, but we never found her. Now Hocus was alone.

This is when we should have brought Hocus inside to live with us. She was smart and LOVED people. She adored me even though I definitely didn't deserve it. But my marriage was falling apart and I was struggling with depression and I didn't think my husband would ever let a dog inside. So outside she stayed.

About 2 years later, she was 11.5 years old. We took her to soccer games sometimes. The kids walked her sometimes. Sometimes I would let her off leash in the front yard for a change of scenery but she never played - she just sat next to me. She didn't know how to play with toys. We tried to teach her to fetch, but she didn't know what we wanted.

I fed her in the mornings when I woke up and my husband fed her in the evenings when he got home from work. Friday morning, I went to feed her and her bowl was full. I assumed it was from the night before. I took her out and looked at her. She seemed okay - her nose was a little runny and she was droopy, but she wagged her tail, drank her water, came to me when called.

By the time I talked to my husband that night, he said her bowl was full the night before - so she hadn't eaten at all the previous day - longer than I had origianlly thought. It was now Friday night and we were on our way out to a movie. It was really hot in the garage but nice outside. I managed to find her old crate and cleaned it up, intending to bring her in. But when I had it cleaned up, she was outside. My husband said to leave her and check on her when we got home, so I did.

When we got home, she was not in her kennel. I figured she was more comfortable outside where it was cool. I was going to go check on her, but again my husband said she had probably found a nice place to sleep and I would only disturb her. Please don't think he is horrible - he's just not a worrier and he was certain she was napping away in the back yard where it was cool. Looking back, I should have known. She ALWAYS slept in the kennel.

I decided to wait until Saturday morning and if she wouldn't eat I would buy her some wet canned food. If she wouldn't eat that, I would take her to the emergency vet. Thinking back, she seemed a bit more droopy Friday night than she had been, but she was still drinking water and wagging her tail and coming to me. But I should have known.

Anyway, I got up early Saturday morning to check on her. She wasn't in her kennel. I looked out the windows but I couldn't see her. I went out in the backyard and found her, lying on her side, dead. It was horrible. She was stiff and there were flies on her. She died alone. I will never forgive myself.

I ran inside sobbing and it all went downhill from there. I didn't want a vet to cut her open, so we just buried her. I have no idea what she died from. It could be she had a minor cold but gave up - she was alone in the backyard without her littermate and not enough attention. I don't blame her.

I will never forgive myself for not bringing this wonderful little dog inside to live with us. I'm sure she would have been easy to housetrain. She picked up ANY training very easily because she was so eager to please. If I had only known then what I know now.

My husband said it was good that she died at home rather than being scared at a vet. Maybe they couldn't have done anything for her. And he said it was good she died quickly and didn't suffer years of illness and arthritis, while we helplessly watched and wondered whether to put her down. I guess he's right. But she was ALONE.

I keep hoping that someday I will see her little face in a dog I adopt. I wondered about Nala because her face was very similar when we first got her - but she's completely different and also was born a few weeks too soon. When we got Nala she was the size Hocus was when she died and her face was so similar it was VERY hard. There was a lot of guilt. We fenced in Hocus's grave so Nala couldn't run on it or pee on it. I felt guilty playing with Nala in front of the grave. I felt like Hocus thinks we like Nala better, but I just didn't know any better.

So now you know. I had one of those backyard abused dogs. I hope she knows I loved her and she forgives me. I hope she will wait for me at the bridge.

 

Oh, Jamiya, don't you know how great you are? Of course you are not one of those back yard abusers! They never get enlightened, never try for better, to educate themselves. You have, and Hocus gave that to you. I think your open heart for them has been touched by her. She will be waiting. You have not forgotten her and she will not forget you.

Approx. 5 years ago

My husband's best friend's mom raises pure bred collies. She had given us a "returned" 7 mo. puppy, we named him Shamus (the prev. male owner was too busy and the dog was alone for 10-12 hours a day in a crate). He had also been kenneled too long she said. But, we decided to try anyway. He was a mess. He was huge of course, and he would not walk outside to pee so I had to carry him out to the yard. He would not cross linoleum, concrete or wood flooring. He would not chase a ball, take a walk or go in the car. 3 weeks after we got him, we found out I was pregnant and there was no way I could be carrying that big of a dog around anywhere. So, we called his best friend, who had 2 collies and one had just passed away. And he said he would take him. He did, and it was like a miracle. Once Shamus got around another Collie he was just fine. He had been with his litter mates too long and needed other dogs around. I felt terrible after my son was born and things calmed down. Like, the dog was too inconvenient so we got rid of him.

We all make mistakes and have situations that take choices away from us (I had that baby you dealt with as well in 1st son). But, what sets us apart, makes us better than the people we discuss on this board is our willingness to educate or even RE-educate ourselves and learn better.

You will have to do better than that to make think you are a horrible person Jamiya. I already luv ya'.

 

I'm one of those sort of people that believe each of us is here in this life (as well as previous and future lives) to learn something..... to grow, to evolve spiritually. And I think each of us is at a different place on the road of that spiritual path. And I think animals (dogs especially) are one of our greatest teachers. We ALL make mistakes.... but like sargesmom said, the point is that we LEARN and GROW from them. We all have regrets, and things we look back on and wish we had done better. (I sure know I do!) The fact that you are so aware of what you learned is the important thing....it's what life is about. You didn't intentionally do anything wrong to your dog.....and I'm sure she knew that. I have made mistakes with pets of mine in my past, and look back now and wish I had known better. But I also have to realise that I really, truly was doing the best I was able to do at that time That's where we have to be a bit more compassionate with ourselves---- the times we regret but are truly sorry for, and mistakes we remember so as not to make again. That's what proves we are growing, evolving spirits.

 

I feel really sick. I have to go home and hug my dogs.

 

Please don't do this to yourself. I cannot tell you how much I admire or respect you. And really like you. You would probably not believe me anyway. It was so courageous of you to post that. You have probably been feeling like you were hiding that and every post about inattention felt like a dagger in your heart. I am proud of you Jamiya. I really am. That was not an easy thing to do. You know we won't be hearing the ankle bit lady bust out with "I'm ugly, a liar, a dog provoker, and I cannot accessorize!" anytime soon. Give yorself a little break. You make up for it every day on this forum everytime you share advice or remind ME to watch my mouth (a full time job!), or share a part of your self and your experiences. I feel honored to know you. So SHUT UP ALREADY!

 

How wonderfully put pamr61.

 

LOL. There's such a fine line between laughing and crying.

 

Ok Jamiya, Since your such a "Horrible" person (<---sarcasm entered here)

I'm punishing you. YOu must attend this forum for a minimum of once a day for the rest of your life! YOu must love ME, kidding..ahem....Nala and Bonnie, and you must care for all kinds of pets!

So HA! There ya go. Ya happy now!


Seriously though, YOur a wonderful person. YOu made a mistake, Big deal. You learned from it. Had you not, then there would be a problem. But what makes it even better, is you admited it to people who already know the real you, respect you, and know that you started from unexperianced to becomeone of the best advice givers here.
So quit beating yourself up, get a tub of Chocolate Ice cream, kick back with a (beer, soda, coffee) whateverit is you drink, and chill.

 

Jamiya, I have been that person as well. I got my first dog 11 years ago I was young and dumb. I bought bubbles an American Eskimo from a byb she was a beautiful ball of white fluff. I only had her for six months and in those six months she spent nearly all of it in the back yard in a little 6x10 kennel. I worked all day and was also pregnant with my first child and just never had time for her she knew nothing no commands whatsoever and sadly the few times I spent any time with her was when I fed her or felt overwhelming guilt for leaving her outside all the time. At the time we were living in Atlanta. The summers there get amazingly hot but I left her out there in that kennel day in day out regardless of the heat. I came home from work one day and found her nearly dead from a heat stroke. I rushed her to the vet and she died a couple of hours later and she was only six months old. I have never forgiven myself for what I did to that poor dog.
But I did learn from my mistakes and vowed to never fail another dog the way I did Bubbles.
You have more then redeemed your self with Nala & Bonnie.

 

Jimiya, I have been there as well. its something I think about a lot and it happened 14 years ago, I have earned from my mistakes and am a better person for it, as you are.

okay confession time,


I was 20 years old and found this newborn kitten, that would crawl all over the place even though she was only a few weeks old. I named her Goer a year later I got Sam, my siamese mix. I got into a relationship about 6 years later. my boyfriend was talking marriage, but lets move in together to see if it will work, but the cats had to be dewclaed, so I did that, moved in with him and I came home one night late and he had them locked in a bedroom, and they had tape balls on them, he was throwing them at them. I was so mad, but I was in love. I think he did this a lot, well goer started going to the bathroom in the house because of it, he wanted her outside which I did it was causing problems for us What was I thinking.

Well we moved and it got worse, I would sneak her in the house, when he wasnt there, I gave to her friends of mine and it just got worse and she would pee on herself, so I put her to sleep. We got married, I think he really tormented Sam and Goer. are marriage lasted 6 years. Luckily Sam fare much better,I had Sam to the ripe old age of 15.

I am married again and my husband loves animals, though not as much as me. I have always told my husband, my pets come before him because of what happened, I need to take care of them. I feel I let Goer down. he understands this most of the time, but occasionaly he gets upset because I pay more attention to Jake and Wylie and Midas than him.
That event has traumatized me over the years and I want to make up for it. Just typing this has me crying because it still feels like it happened yesterday.

But I have my luvbunnies in Jake Wylie and Midas who give me such pleasure

honeybear

 

Jamiya, I know others have said this but you learn from your mistakes and you have. I too am guilty, I had my precious Cheyenne for a year before my first child. I spoiled her rotten, she was my baby, I am not sure I have told any of you this but I had my first child at age 16. Well when I had my daughter Cheyenne moved outside. I became too busy, as I was a full time student, a mother and working. She spent 3 long years in a pen and I would go out and play with her but not as much as I should have. One day I was at work and my husbany, then boyfriend, called to tell me she had been found dead. I just sat on the floor and cried, went home from work. So I share this just to let you know you are not alone, but we have all learned from out mistakes. You are a wonderfull person and Nala and Bonnie could not have a better mommy. And truthfully I feel being on this forum has helped me become a better mommy to my wonderfull babies at home. From feeding advice to training. And we will all continue to grow through all our great friends here as well. Every day almost I learn something new and alot of it has been from you.

 

It makes no sense to beat ourselves up over things that occured in the past. We can't change them but we can learn from our mistakes. :wink:

....and apparently many of us have because this forum is filled with knowlegdable, caring pet owners!

 

Thanks everyone, for your kind words. It means a lot.

After all the times in Hocus' last two days that my husband said "She's fine, just wait," now whenever I question something about one of the animals he quickly says, "Take her to the vet!" Poor man.

I just hope I meet Hocus again someday and can do right by her this time. And I still harbor the hope that Pokey found herself a family when she got lost and is now a spoiled, pampered indoor dog.

 

Oh, I just wanna hug all of you so bad! I could not be more proud to know every person on this forum. If you would have told me that a group of strangers from around the world, people I have never, and probably never will meet, would enrich my life the way all of you have... I'd have said you were nuts!

Jamiya- Do you see how horrible you are now? (sarcasam) Look how your courage has allowed so many others to unload their own private burden/guilt and find acceptance and validation here. Yea,... you REALLY suck (buttload of sarcasam!)

3dogsIhave: "truthfully I feel being on this forum has helped me become a better mommy to my wonderfull babies at home. From feeding advice to training. And we will all continue to grow through all our great friends here as well." I agree. Owning these furbabies is no different then having children. You NEED a good support system for raising kids, for the times you are so frustrated you can't see straight, the times you aren't sure what to do, the times you thought you DID know what to do and were wrong! And there are millions of parenting boards for these very reasons. I am learning to be a better mommy to Sarge, and I really fall back on you guys when he has eaten his 3rd swim float and I might snap and stuff him in the trash! Instead, I've been able to stay calm and understand him better and even see the humor in his exploits. Thanks Jamiya for allowing us to really open up.

 

Just think how much money we are all saving on therapy because of this forum!!!

 

:lol: Pet Advice and Psychological Counseling @Auspet.com!

 

I'll give a little peice of my own guilt out. I was goign through a time when I had some personal problems, finacial, and well I had a natural abortion. I couldn't handle it, and I neglected my dogs. (this before I got heavy into the rescuing) They stayed int their outside kennels most of the time, I fed them, but didn't want to talk to them, or anyone for that matter. my horses got un ridden, pampered and left alone besides feeding time.
I felt horrible about it. The more I found in my own guilt for not being able to support my own baby,and taking it out on everyone around me. I just couldn't face them or anyone for that matter.

Sure their needs were met, but not the important ones like loving conpanionship from their mommy.

Then I woke up and realized what I was doing to myself. The SI and depression wasn't my fault. I needed to get over it and move on. A month was long enough to neglect all my respocibilities.
SO I vowed never to let that happen again.

And a big part of me being so upset over Chars death, is mainly because I loved her so much, but a bigger part is the babies. I just flash back to myself and that awful feeling and sight....I just get over whelmed and I think thats why I had such horrible thoughts of stupid acts.

But because of yall, I've learned, grown, and can rely on someone to bethere. Not physically, but I know your all there for me.